Tag: relationships

Why People With Chronic Illness Fake Being Healthy 

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Faking health is a common coping mechanism for someone with chronic illness.
Faking health is a common coping mechanism for someone with chronic illness.

By MEG HARTLEY
Ravishly, 11.6.19

Those of us suffering from chronic, invisible illnesses are often told, “but you don’t look sick.”

This sentence could be interpreted as a compliment, but the tone in which it’s delivered is rarely complimentary. It usually sounds more like an accusation, like we’re faking it or being wimpy. And I get it — we already look pretty normal (though likely unshowered and a bit dazed). Smiling, chatting about anything but our bodily agony — it’s confusing for people on the outside. 

Faking health is a common coping mechanism for someone with chronic illness.

I’d like to shed some light on the motivation for this very misunderstood behavior.

1. We Can’t Talk About Our Illnesses All Damn Day. 

If I answered “how are you?” with a list of all of the types of physical pain I’m in and other symptoms, I’d never get anything done. Being ill takes up enough of my life — hearing about your hot date or blabbing about finally getting into Six Feet Under is just more fun. Plus, distraction is good. Talking about illness can make someone more aware of their symptoms. 

2. To Trick People Into Thinking We’re Competent. 

Many of us start doing the whole “healthy person” bit to keep jobs and meet other responsibilities, especially social ones. If we reveal the gravity of what’s going on healthwise, it’s likely to result in others thinking that we can’t handle whatever is on our plate.

3. People Tend To See Us During “Good Hours.” 

The pieces of time in a spoonie’s life where they’re rested enough to see other humans is truly time to be treasured. Those golden moments are precious and ought to be savored, which is likely to result in a smile, an expression can be misinterpreted as “nothing’s wrong.” 

4. To Cheer Ourselves Up. 

Like many, but certainly not all spoonies, I’m a smiler. I’ve always been a smiler, even when it hurts so badly I want to cry. Like many dealing with chronic illness, I consciously work on and for my happiness — and the result is often a smile. You just can’t let pain steal your happiness.

On really crummy days, my smile is 100% faux. I fake it because the world smiles (or scowls) back. And having people return miserable glances is unpleasant. The life of a spoonie can be very isolating, and a day with a few pleasant human interactions can help get one through a long and lonely night of painsomnia — trying to sleep through the pain and failing miserably.

So when you encounter someone with chronic illness and they “don’t look sick,” please just be happy for them! Take advantage of seeing this warrior while they are feeling themselves and not lost in a world of medical chicanery. Remember that seeing a positive expression on a spoonie means that they are strong and trying to get as much out of their day as they possibly can — despite fighting a battle a healthy person can’t even imagine. 

Brené Brown’s 6 ‘Empathy Misses’ + Why They’re Important

Published on by megglesworth1 Comment

Disability has taught me a whole lot about these not-comforting-yet-still-ubiquitous moves.

Aug 9, 2021

Photo by Sarah Kilian on Unsplash

Ahhh, the empathy miss — that crucial moment when someone’s having a hard time and you really want to say the right thing, but after you speak there’s just a painfully awkward pause…you’ve stepped in it, and made things worse.

Or the reverse, you’re having a hell of a time and express that fact, and someone says something with the best of intentions — but rather than comfort their words leave you feeling invalidated, misunderstood, and worse than before you reached out.

As a society, we really aren’t great at holding emotional space for one another.

Luckily, a sociology researcher and famed storyteller named Brené Brown has been researching topics in this arena for well over a decade.

She’s covered many relevant ideas in this area, but one of the most helpful is probably her list of empathy misses from the book Dare to Lead.

Brené Brown and Empathy

These are common well-intentioned behaviors displayed in emotional times of need that completely miss the mark, leaving the already upset person feeling more so.

While I’ve certainly been on the side of empathy miss, as everyone has, I’ve also dealt with being on the diminished end recurrently since invisible illness and problematic Autism traits have taken over my life.

People genuinely seem to want to say things to make me feel better, but they’ll wind up invalidating my experience or changing the topic altogether; leaving me feeling not only still alone with the issue, but also feeling like I’ve erred by even bringing it up.

And these are mostly kind, truly well-intentioned, people; and this happens to all kinds of Neurodiverse and/or disabled people.

They are trying — we all are trying — but we lack tools. This stuff just wasn’t included in our social conditioning. (And in some cases, there were toxins in its place.)Brené Brown’s 6 Empathy Misses

Photo by Marc Kleen on Unsplash

The concept of empathy is often described as a quality that people simply possess, or not, but while some folks do seem to have a particular knack for effectively understanding others’ feelings — Brown says empathy is also something we can work to become more effective at.

When dealing with nebulous and subjective issues, it’s often best to look at the failed attempts — or, what not to do. In this spirit, I’d like to present the 6 Empathy Misses identified by this sociologist who’s dedicated her life to helping us live with more heart.

This work branched out from her interest in human shame, with these being common unhelpful reactions after someone’s divulged an err. The list is from Dare to Lead, with explanation text from the book’s study guide, followed by my brief take:

Empathy Miss #1: Sympathy vs. Empathy

The friend who responds with sympathy (“I feel so sorry for you”) rather than empathy (“I get it, I feel with you”)

When faced with an immediate internal reaction of “sucks to be you,” the most caring words are often something like, “That sounds really hard, need to vent?”

Empathy Miss #2: The Gasp and Awe

The friend who hears your story and feels shame on your behalf.

Have you ever confided in someone, sharing a mistake you’re processing — and instead of empathizing, as you might expect a friend to do, they act horrified and judgy?

Yeah, everyone else too. Let’s start trying to remember our own f*ck-ups before condemning those who trust us with their struggles.

Empathy Miss #3: The Mighty Fall

The friend who sees you as perfect. They are so let down by your imperfections and disappointed in you (“I just never expected that from you. I didn’t think you would ever be someone who didn’t do well. What happened?”)

The thing about pedestals is that they’re really easy to fall off of — plus, you know, they’re complete and utter bullshit. No one is perfect. That’s not even a thing. When we expect people to be better than human, we lose our humanity.

Empathy Miss #4: The Block and Tackle

The friend who is so uncomfortable with vulnerability that they criticize you (“What happened?! What were you thinking?”)

Otherwise known as, “How to get people to never trust you again,” this deflective move helps those scared of feels to avoid their own self-reflection — and it’s really freakin’ common. We live in a really judgy society and that kind of persistent energy can lead to folks becoming really defensive, which often turns into lashing out with condemnation.

I’ve (slowly) learned that compassion is the way out of judgment. When I’m hurt and my mind gets hardened over the WTF-ness of someone’s behavior, I do my best to imagine there’s a reason I’m not aware of before doing anything about it. It’s hard, but it’s important to remember that perspective really is everything.

Empathy Miss #5: The Boots and Shovel

The friend who is all about making it better and, out of their own discomfort, refuses to acknowledge that you can actually make terrible choices (“You’re exaggerating. It wasn’t that bad. You rock. You’re perfect. Everyone loves you”). They are trying so hard to make you feel better that they’re unable to connect with your emotions.

This is another popular one. When feeling shame, and wanting to talk about the mistake — something that can lead to not making the err again, as the mind’s verbally articulated why it’s a nope — but someone just won’t believe you, it’s invalidating at best; and, at worse, it enables problematic behaviors.

Empathy Miss #6: If You Think That’s Bad…

The friend who confuses “connection” with the opportunity to one-up you. (“That’s nothing. Listen to what happened to me one time!”)

This one’s another one that often happens with truly good intentions, wanting to help the other person see that things could be worse; but it’s actually invalidating, and leaves the hurting person still alone in the issue they were hoping to talk to someone about.

Empathy Miss #7: I Can Fix That!

The friend who immediately jumps to problem-solving rather than just being with you in your experience.

Most of us struggle with this one, especially if friends often come to us for help solving problems. One helpful empathic reply is to acknowledge the feelings and ask, “What does support look like?” This gives the person in struggle the opportunity to say, “Just listening helps” or “Can you help me figure this out?”

I’ve got nothing to add here, such wise words.

And a recap from the Daring Greatly study guide:
  • Be kind.
  • Be curious.
  • You don’t need to fix it or make people feel better. Connecting and listening is powerful.
  • Try to understand how the person is feeling (not how you might feel in the same situation).
  • Help people know that they are not alone in their feelings. Even if you’ve never had that experience, you might know the feeling.
  • Let people know that you are grateful they shared with you.
  • Allowing opportunities for second chances. When we miss the opportunity to show empathy or when we would like the opportunity to do it better, we can say, “I’d like to circle back.” In this context, circling back means practicing empathy by trying again.
Photo by Andrew Thornebrooke on Unsplash

Cannabis Church Founder Runs for Indiana Governor

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By Meg Hartley
Published on September 4, 2019· Last updated July 28, 2020

Bill Levin is what some might call a character. Instead of the customary “Hello?”⁠ when answering the phone, Levin exclaims, “Hi, I love you, Bill Levin here!”

During a phone interview with Leafly, he expanded on his unique greeting: The first time, they seem to think they’ve encountered a lunatic; the second time, they warm up, at least giving a normal greeting in return; it’s a little warmer by the third; and by the fourth time, almost everyone says it back.

Saying “I love you” has the power to connect people in a world that so badly needs it. This love-driven view of change is what motivated him to start Indiana’s First Church of Cannabis, where he is the self-titled “Grand Poobah.”

The church has 50K followers on Facebook, including 1,000+ folks who attend Wednesday services both in-person and worldwide via streaming. These “Cannaterians” operate under a set of rules titled “The Deity Dozen.”

Among other things, the list decrees that Cannaterians use cannabis as a means to heal and develop community, to help others come to their defense, and to quietly contemplate life. It’s pretty darn hard to argue with.

From Grand Poobah to Governor Candidate

Levin is currently running for governor of Indiana. His values carry over to his political ambitions, which started long before his current campaign. His first political run was as a Indianan teen—an acquaintance running for Campus Council President was violating the first of four words of the Deity Dozen: “Don’t be an asshole.” So Levin ran against him.

His campaign was a smash success, though he may have had a little help from mind-altering substances. Not long before the election, he put LSD in a coffee pot at a school event, leading many students to ditch in favor of tripping balls at a movie theater, watching the 1971 hit Omega Man. Though he got away with these hijinks, his early political career was cut short when he got his girlfriend pregnant and they were kicked out of school.

After several decades of managing punk bands and being a small business owner, his political ambitions returned in 2011. He ran for City Council, reporting that he earned about 11% of the vote, which is considerably better than how other Libertarians usually fare (less than 1%).

He gave politics another shot with a run for Indiana State Representative in 2014, earning 10.8% of votes. Now, he’s going big, aiming to take down the incumbent Governor, Eric Holcomb, who was Lieutenant Governor under Mike Pence, the current Vice President.

A Race Likely to Be Canna-Centric

Indiana is a completely cannabis-illegal state. But an October 2018 telephone poll of 604 randomly selected Indiana adults found that 39% favor allowing cannabis to be used for any purpose, and 42% prefer just medical use⁠, totalling a whopping 81% of Hoosiers for legalization in some capacity.

Since Levin is running as a Libertarian, he’ll primarily be competing for votes with whomever the Democratic candidate will be. The favorite to win is Woody Meyers, a former Indiana health commissioner and millionaire venture capitalist who is for decriminalization and medical use but not recreational use.

Levin’s other two opponents are also pro-cannabis: Karlee Macer for medical use, and Eddie Melton for full legalization.

This race looks like it’s going to be featuring cannabis.

Other Indiana officials are also in line with cannabis. Republican House Representative Jim Lucas said that during a trip to Colorado, he tried as much cannabis as he could to see if it was dangerous, coming to the mighty conclusion: “It was the best night of sleep I’ve ever had.”

Eric Holcomb, the incumbent, is less excited and quoted as saying, “I’ve asked the federal government to enforce the law as it is, and I’ve let them know that we’re a law-and-order state.”

High Ambitions

Bill Levin, of course, plans to legalize cannabis. He’s been watching the states around him—Illinois and Michigan are newly recreational, and Ohio is newly medical—noting the ways he’d approach legalization differently, like keeping prices reasonable and ensuring that organized crime is kept out. And he emphasizes it’s crucial residents are legally able to grow their own bud.

Levin is also passionate about caring for homeless residents and intends to use the Governor’s Mansion for a homeless resource center and shelter. He also plans to focus on education needs, with an emphasis on teaching practical modern skills like how to make digital apps.

He also wants to focus on using physical expression, like yoga, instead of practices like study hall and detention, which only waste time and increase frustration. Some schools are already successfully using mindful approaches instead of detention. He’s planning to meet with a large group of teachers next month, for consultation and brainstorming.

These ambitions might sound like pie in the sky, but they’re actually pretty grounded. If politicians truly care about expanding the middle class⁠—the one thing most of them claim to agree on⁠—their lifestyles ought to reflect that, at least to some extent. One man living in 10,500 square feet of house is the polar opposite, isn’t it?

Plus, times are also changing: 10 years ago, legalizing cannabis felt like a fantasy, but now it’s considered to be just a matter of when. And only five years ago, no one thought a democratic socialist could be taken seriously, but now ol’ Bernie’s got a real shot at the presidential nomination. Third-party runners like Bill Levin, game-changers like Bernie Sanders, and oddball visionaries like Marianne Williamson represent schools of thought in need of representation.

Levin’s First Church of Cannabis was the unintended consequence of the 2015 Indiana religious freedom law, which was created after a bakery refused to serve a gay couple. In this same vein, politicians like Bill Levin, and the changes they bring with them, are the result of ideological opposition, which has gotten mighty loud.

With the mind-opening effects of cannabis, hopefully its legalization will bring some less conventional, but more functional, approaches to our politics.

And one last thing, before you go: I love you.

Chronic Illness Gets Even Worse in the Winter: Here’s How You Can Help

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Southeast Living, 2018
By Meg Hartley

Do you remember the last awful flu you had? How hard, or even impossible, it was to do your day-to-day activities? Folks with chronic illness deal with that level of inability and discomfort every day, sometimes all day long. The ways one can become incapacitated like this are many. From multiple sclerosis to fibromyalgia, myalgic encephalomyelitis (chronic fatigue) to arthritis – and the miserable world between, there’s a whole lot of people out there who are having a hard time with daily basic tasks.

10,000 Knives When All You Need is a Spoon

A lupus fighter named Christine Miserandino created a now-popular spoon metaphor to describe living with these limits. It all began when she was eating at a diner and a friend asked what it was like. To answer, Christine gathered all of the spoons from their table and a few more from others; then explained that when you have a chronic illness you only get so many “spoons” to get through each day. Every tiny thing uses up spoons: showering, getting dressed, having feelings, doing the dishes, everything. (Even thinking! This spoonie writer uses up most of her spoons just sitting at a computer many days.)

When you use up all of today’s spoons, you can borrow from the next – but since tomorrow is just as spoon-limited, doing so will leave you with even less spoons to get through the day. If you go spoon-negative you’re likely to cause a flare: an exponential increase in symptoms, which can last for weeks. And, to compound matters, changes in barometric pressure can make things like rain, wind, cold temperatures, snow, and even clouds cause flares; making the person that might have been able to meet you for dinner a few days ago, completely and utterly debilitated today.

It’s Not Easy to be an Alaskan Spoonie

Suffice to say, winter in Southeast Alaska brings an incredibly challenging time for most with chronic illness, or “spoonies.” Many are even homebound. Here’s a few ways to help your spoonie friends during this tricky time of year:

SNOW. Think of that miserable flu again. What do you think would have happened if you forced yourself to shovel snow in that condition? With a regular flu, you’d probably stay sick a bit longer. But for a desperate spoonie, doing so will likely cause a flare. When you’re already dealing with such intense symptoms, it’s hard to describe just how horrific a further increase is. If you’re able to help a spoonie shovel, or to just do it for them – you’re a true hero. Same for salting, taking care of stabby icicles, and all of the other fun our Southeast winters bring.

House chores.

Let’s be honest, your spoonie hasn’t even been able to shower in days, let alone do laundry or dishes. (Vacuuming? Haha. You’re funny.) Standing things are hard. And cleaning tends to require standing. Plus, cleaning one’s house does nothing to pay its rent or mortgage, and when you’ve only got so many spoons per day – one must prioritize. Lending a hand means the world.

Bring sustenance.

Who doesn’t love a hot cuppa soup or other nourishing treat when you don’t feel good? This doesn’t change when you’re sick all the friggin’ time. When faced with the task of cooking – standing for an extended period of time – many spoonies choose to eat conve-nient-but-unhealthy meals, or forego the meal completely. (Want to help, but don’t want to face the elements even in your healthy bod? Think about sending over a delivery meal, or even groceries with Instacart.) Be sure to ask about allergens as they’re common in spoonies!

Say Hey.

Being chronically ill is incredibly isolating. The world keeps spinning after you’re forced into a sickbed, and it can feel like it’s forgotten all about you. So if you think of your spoonie, tell them. Arrange a visit if they’re up for it. And if that’s not doable, try to call over messaging. Typing out how one feels isn’t particularly soothing. (It’s likely they won’t have energy to talk for long anyways. C’mon, go retro.)

Ask.

The ways your spoonie needs help are many, but they aren’t likely to share that information with you. When presented with the rare gift of human interaction, many of us would rather talk about anything but our stupid needs and diseases. (Though sometimes it’s all one can talk about, so please use patience and empathy in those cases…) Asking how you can help in an open-ended way, rather than offering something specific and withdrawing when it’s not needed – can be a real life-saver.

Alaska winters are hard on us all, but it dealing with crippling disease on top of it is straight-up dangerous. Just being there for your spoonies, especially this time of year, really means the world. Even if all you can offer is a text or a hug – please, get that texty hug on.

“Resting Niceface” Made My Invisible Illness Go Undiagnosed For 25 Years​

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I smile a lot. Not because it’s my favorite, though I certainly don’t mind, but because my face just does that.

By MEG HARTLEY
Ravishly, 07.11.18

I smile a lot. Not because it’s my favorite, though I certainly don’t mind, but because my face just does that.

Yesterday, I went to a doctor’s office that I hadn’t been to in months. 

“How’s it going?” I asked the woman checking me in.

“I remember you!” She replied. “You were this nice last time as well. It’s so good to see you again!” She seemed genuinely relieved by something I had done, but all that happened was a normal greeting.

Strangers frequently overshare with me and then say, “I don’t know why I told you that!” I regularly get stopped in stores because people think I work there. I am trusted with the belongings of random people.  All of my roommates wind up calling their pets “traitors” after I move in. Children tend to adore me, even when I’m annoyed at their presence. Everyone thinks I have a crush on them. 

Like Buddy in Elf, Hank Hooper in 30 Rock, and all blonde women in Bechdel-failing movies, I have Resting Niceface, the opposite of the more well-known Resting Bitchface. It’s generally an awesome thing to have. People smile back, for one thing — that whole sugar/vinegar thing is true! Men rarely demand I smile because it’s already sitting there on my face. People are usually comfortable with me. I get lots of hugs.

But my Resting Niceface also causes confusion. Acquaintances are often taken aback when I don’t smile. People also sometimes don’t listen to my words. More than once I’ve expressed concern about something and had people actually respond like I’d said something positive. A couple of guys have been bewildered when I broke up with them — even after I repeatedly told them I was pissed and felt like I wasn’t being taken seriously. 

So I ignored cysts large enough to debilitate, unusual reactions to pretty standard intoxicants, and bouts of pretty severe depression. After I’d recovered from whatever had me down, the problems felt like pretty small things. I mean, I got better, right? And everyone else thought I was fine, so I figured that they must have been through something similar and that these things were normal.

This phenomenon has also played a significant role in why I was just recently, at the age of 33, diagnosed with an “invisible illness” that I likely started showing symptoms of when I was eight. I vaguely remember asking a pediatrician what was wrong then after a test for ulcers came up negative. He looked at me as if he could assess my diagnosis from a glance at my face and said, “Oh, probably nothing. You’ll be fine.” 

At least as a kid and teenager, my parents took me to a doctor when symptoms popped up, garnering misdiagnoses of asthma, hypoglycemia, and a trauma-induced mental break. But out on my own, I turned to friends with my symptoms. They assessed me much like that doctor, looking at my face and saying, “I’m sure you’re fine.”

So I ignored cysts large enough to debilitate, unusual reactions to pretty standard intoxicants, and bouts of severe depression. After I’d recovered from whatever had me down, the problems felt like pretty small things. I mean, I got better, right? And everyone else thought I was okay, so I figured that they must have been through something similar and that these things were normal.

My symptoms morphed over the years, transforming into what looked like a frequent flu in my late 20s. I’d show up at work after taking time off, feeling miserable but apparently looking just fine. Several bosses accused me of faking it, and I lost two jobs due to their suspicions. (Others called me a trooper and told me they appreciated my positivity. It’s a matter of perspective, I guess.) Doctors told me it wasn’t the flu, but most of them too were “sure I was fine.”

I’d reason away the symptoms, chalking them up to my lifestyle choices or telling myself I was just being a baby. I convinced myself it was just a super-duper frequent flu. I told myself that dizziness was very common and forgetting your close friends’ names was normal — just a brain fart! I figured that physical activity was simply not my forte, that some people don’t like moving — ignoring that I was once a competitive athlete. I figured that I was just clumsy and that’s why I was constantly dropping things and tripping — ignoring that my sport had been gymnastics. I decided that I was just allergic to everything, and that’s why I had random rashes and swelling. I blamed sporadic but extreme irritability on both birth control and obnoxious people.

For a long time, it was easy to believe I was fine. 

So I groggily adjusted to the new normals, to new mysterious pains, to new frequent low fevers, to new levels of confusion. It wasn’t until about a year and a half before I became homebound ill that “agreeing I was probably fine” turned into straight-up denial.

The flu-like symptoms, extreme tenderness, debilitating fatigue, and tear-inducing “aches” started crashing in on me most nights, accompanied by a tingly pain. I turned into a dreadfully flaky person, canceling on people at the last minute due to my health. Then I stopped making plans altogether. And not long after that, I had to stop working too.

Throughout, my Niceface kept confusing doctors and assuring folks when it needed to be conveying urgency to them. 

Eventually, after nearly 30 years, I finally got a diagnosis. Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase mutation, or MTHFR for short, is a relatively common genetic mutation that is often innocuous — but some types of mutations are more health-adverse. It can lead to heart troubles, infertility, autoimmune disorders, and other kinds of disease. For me, the manifestation was a severe B12 deficiency — nearly low enough to kill or paralyze me.

A year and a half of tests after the B12 revelation, I was also diagnosed with fibromyalgia, another disease of the nervous system. With the help of a complete diet change, gradually increasing exercise, a move to a hotter drier climate, and many other efforts, I’ve made a stunning recovery. I went from being on near-complete bedrest to now working a part-time job and freelancing on my days off. 

I’m still a long way from where I’d like to be. Very tiny amounts of activity still exhaust me. I have absolutely no social life; I work, I rest, and that’s about it. I still have talking troubles from time to time, suddenly getting slurry and confused. But I’ve come so far, especially since getting diagnosed. And maybe it’s just the optimistic personality that so often comes hand-in-hand with Resting Niceface, but I bet I’ll make a total and complete recovery. 

5 Reminders to Help You Support a Seriously Struggling Friend

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Yogi Approved, Guest Author Meg Hartley, 2017

We all know the struggle. Do you know someone who’s hurting? Do you want to help, but fear it’ll create drama in your own life?
 
Whether it’s a health problem, a heart-wrenching breakup, financial woes, or any other struggle, we want to be there for our friends. These tips could help!

Hard times will test your relationships, and it’s all too common for people to find themselves facing the struggle alone. It happens to the best of us: we want to help, but distancing ourselves from friends in the thick of it is, unfortunately, the societal standard.

Why is it So Damn Difficult to Help a Friend Through the Struggle?

Friends have distanced themselves from me when I needed them, just as I’ve also been guilty. A friend of mine was struggling with serious health issues a few years ago, and it took me six months to call. I still feel remorse for not being there for her. So why do we do this?
 

The struggle of others can trigger our own unprocessed emotions and also bring up fears.

 
The struggle of others can trigger our own unprocessed emotions, and bring up fears and all the behaviors that fear comes with. Sometimes struggling friends are spiraling out of control and, especially if you aren’t currently close to that person, it feels like a good time to draw some boundaries.
 
But then there’s the other times.
 
The times where someone needs and wants help. There’s a specific problem, the person knows it, and they’re looking for solutions. In this situation, we have an opportunity to truly be of service to someone, even if all we can do is simply listen.
 
When we help others, we feel empowered, capable, and meaningfully connected. These are opportunities that remind us that no one can do it alone, and that no one should be expected to.
 

Here are 5 Things to Remember to Help You Support a Struggling Friend

From someone who’s been on both ends of this pickle, consider these tips to help out a friend in need.
 

1. Be Cool

Emotional conversations can be stressful, so try not to come off anxious. Plan to meet up somewhere safe where you can really talk and bring up their struggle.
Before you meet up, think about what you’d do if you were in your friend’s situation.
 
Do they have a quality support system? Is there any way you can help that you’re comfortable with? Be prepared with solutions if they’re available, and be ready to listen.
 

2. Stay Positive

If applicable, share a similar struggle of your own and describe how you got through it in a positive way . . . but don’t glamorize it. Sometimes people define themselves by their struggle and think it makes them more interesting, and you don’t want to encourage this.
 
Be understanding, but gently guide your friend back to how they might fix/heal the sitch when the conversation circles back to the pain. Stay solution-oriented, which might mean helping your friend seek out professional help.
  

3. Bring Friends

This isn’t something that needs to be done alone, and it’s likely the kind of problem that could use multiple perspectives. If you bring someone else, be sure the person is a close mutual friend, or maybe a professional who can help in some capacity. This person needs to be trusted.
 
Oh, and don’t make the company a surprise. Make sure your friend knows you’re bringing someone else.
 

4. Don’t Judge

When your world collapses and you aren’t handling it well, it’s easy to be hard on yourself. Make sure you provide your friend relief from that, and take some time to reflect on how awesome they are before you see them.
 
Make it clear that you’re there to help from a place of zero judgement!
 

5. Check Yourself

Check in with your own emotions before you see your friend. Does their struggle trigger you? Pay careful attention to your thoughts and feelings, especially afterwards. If you’re severely triggered, it’s best to seek out your own healing before you help your friend.
 

6. We All Struggle, So Let’s Have Each Other’s Backs

Deep, emotional conversations are easy to avoid. We have our own sh*t to deal with, right? The thing is, helping a friend through their struggle may be what you need to figure out yours. Space away from your own problem is where you wind up feeling empowered to solve them.
 
When you’re there for a friend, you develop meaningful, lifelong relationships. Also, if you haven’t yet had your hard-knock times . . . you will, I promise. And when you do, you’ll want to have a friend by your side.
 
Thanks for your bravery and compassion, and good luck!

Do You Constantly Think and Worry About Your Relationships?

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Tiny Buddha, 2016
By Meg Hartley

“When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you’re not saying ‘no’ to yourself.” – Paulo Coelho

Sometimes it’s easy to define ourselves by our roles and relationships.

We can look at ourselves as a daughter, or someone’s employee, or so in so’s husband. These things mean a lot to us, and we often subconsciously use a variety of behaviors and mental constructs to protect these roles and relationships.

It can take form in innocuous ways, like buying clothes you don’t really want or feigning interests in order to fit in. (Go sports team!) But it also affects more serious things, like how we view ourselves, what we think we’re capable of, and what goals we pursue.

A common theme in movies is the mid-lifer who suddenly realizes they’ve made all of their decisions in life to please other people. It’s reflected in the zeitgeist so often for a reason—because it’s a common occurrence, and an easy trap to fall into.

My realization that I was doing this started taking shape with several ah-ha moments over the last several years, but it became palpable during an entrepreneurial workshop almost a year ago.

We all were assigned a personality test to take at home before returning the next morning. Mine said something like: You think with your heart and are excellent at building thriving relationships.

I thought that was a lovely-sounding result, but the next morning I got a bit of a jolt from the woman putting on this portion of the workshop.

“Ah, you’re a blue!  You constantly think about yourself in relation to everyone else.”

“I do not,” I replied, embarrassed.

“But you do. What are you thinking about when you fall asleep at night?  Your relationships. You wonder if everyone’s okay. You wonder how you affect others. You wonder what they think of you.”

I must have been nodding, because she said, “See? That’s thinking about yourself in relation to everyone else. Their approval means a lot to you, and that’s how it manifests in your mind.”

That irritated me in a huge way.

I ignored her for the rest of the day, fuming about how someone could say something so mean—and because of a silly little test that didn’t say anything about wanting approval! I was still thinking about it when I got home, all riled up with indignance.

Then it hit me. I’m a fan of Jungian psychology. I’m not an expert or anything, but I like the way that dude thinks.

He espouses the philosophy that our irritations and overreactions point to key truths about ourselves; when something or somebody really gets to us, it could be because it’s pointing to a truth about ourselves that we don’t want to see.

I had noted people-pleasing tendencies before, and I had made great strides! I no longer fake-laughed at things that I didn’t find funny.

I no longer thought of others, or their judgments, when making personal style decisions. And I no longer cared about being as thin as others, after struggling with eating disorders for years.

These things were a big deal to me, and it took focused effort to make these changes. I thought I was done! Then some random person goes pointing out the other-focused thought constructs in my brain like she can see them? What the what, man? Pssssch.

I tried to ignore it. Tried to pretend that it wasn’t there. But once something like that is pointed out, life tends to keep pointing it out to you.

I eventually leaned in and decided to do something about it. I’m a lover of meditation and mindfulness in all forms, so invented a mindfulness game of it.

I started watching my mind for other-oriented thoughts, and then I imagined shooting them down with the gun from the 80’s Nintendo game, Duck Hunt. Pew! Pew! I shoot them thoughts right down:

Imagining an argument with a family member: Pew! Pew!

Comparing myself to someone else: Pew! Pew!


Wondering how I’d explain myself for doing something: Pew! Pew!


Overanalyzing lack of reactions to my Facebook post: Pew! Pew!

(A few things that don’t count: non-judgmental relationship reflection, hoping people are happy, and forgiving others and myself.)

It might sound silly, and maybe for you it would be, but for me, it’s worked wonders.

It’s helped me find my center. I feel like my whole life I’ve been off, getting tossed about in the storm of others’ wishes, real or imagined; flung around in subtle manipulations, others’ or mine; and thrashed into the ground by judgments, spoken or merely assumed.

The benefits of cultivating a centered perspective like this are immense. For one thing, it leaves us free to cultivate inner-direction—to focus on the things that really matter to us, the things that we love to spend time on, the things that make us sparkle.  

I’ve discovered that we can adopt a centered-perspective as homebase. It had been there the whole time, this calm and peaceful mind, this quiet in the eye of the storm.

I had frequently visited it, usually while meditating, or by way of painting, or even via chore lists done in a zen-like fashion; but we can learn to operate from this place all the time.

My mind still swerves into the storm, but less and less. It’s noticeable, and feels odd, far from being a filter for life or a perspective to see it from, like it was before.

And once we spot mental constructs in this way, we stop identifying with them, and they can’t sweep us up like they used to. They lose power as new neural pathways are created, bringing with them new ways of thinking and of approaching life.

Try to spot your other-focused mental constructs going forward. Recognize when you’re dwelling on arguments, comparing yourself to others, or looking for their approval, and shift your focus back to yourself. Find your center.

Know that you’re more than how you affect the people around you. You’re more than what other people think of you. If you can focus a little less on who you are in relation to everyone else, like me, you might find yourself less stressed and far more fulfilled.

How Losing Someone’s Approval Can Set You Free

Published on by megglesworthLeave a comment

Lifehack, 2014
By Meg Hartley

I recently read about an athlete who made it all the way to the Olympics despite loathing their chosen sport. They committed their entire life to seeking one tiny, yet colossal, sentence—I’m proud of you.  At some point, we all have someone we want to please, whose approval means the world to us.

I have an incredibly clear memory of the person I wanted approval from telling me I was intelligent, the kind of memory that stays crystal clear because you’ve recalled it so many times. I had parroted someone’s opinion about buying a Canadian soda. “We should really support our own economy,” ten-year-old me said.  I had no idea what that meant, but I was looked at with approval, and my heart glowed. It felt so darn good.

I loved that feeling. The approval of my hero.  It was nothing like the Olympic athlete, but I made some very big decisions based what might make them proud. I was hugely affected by wanting their approval.

Four months ago this person removed me from their life. It hurt. A lot.

However, in life there is rarely hurt without growth.  I recently reflected on myself and my behavior since then and noticed something—I feel free.

After a period of denial and upset, I accepted that this is just how it is.  I cannot have their approval.  They don’t “get” me.  They never have, and they probably never will.  It’s not my fault, and it’s not their fault either—it simply is what it is.

This realization made me see how often I was modifying myself according to the thought, “what would they think?”  It was shockingly frequent.  This person had become an archetype for all kinds of people, and I’d been censoring myself constantly to avoid judgement.  I suddenly felt like I’d been a half-assed version of myself my whole life!

I’d been using the desire for approval as an unconscious excuse for hiding.  My excuse was gone as soon as I realized it existed (as often happens with our shadow aspects).  I had no one to point at for holding me back from being truly wholehearted.

It was time to authentically step into myself and stop hiding who I am from others.  Even if that person seems likely to be met with judgement.  Even if what I really want to do with my life is incredibly intimidating and involves being extremely vulnerable.

Sometimes I miss the ol’ days when I had surrounded myself with judgement-protecting walls.  When I could think to myself, “you can’t judge me, psssch, you don’t even know me.”  It was safe there with no one seeing “the real me”—safe, and maddeningly, suffocatingly constricting.

Are you hiding?  I hid in approval-seeking.  Do you hide behind a veil of aloofness?  A carefully crafted image?  Perhaps well-timed jokes keep people from seeing you?  Maybe you hide behind judgment.  We all have our ways, and it can be really scary to let them go.

The thing is though, as long as we prevent ourselves from being truly seen, we will never be truly understood.  Connection with others won’t be wholly authentic, and we will edit ourselves because we fear potential thoughts in other people’s heads.  It’s really pretty silly.

It’s okay to not be accepted.  In fact, you will never be accepted.  If you finally gain the approval that was so dearly wanted, it will be lost from someone else.  (Yourself, likely.)  You will also miss out on connecting with people who really do see you, and who think you kick ass.

A messy falling out isn’t necessary to be freed from wanting someone’s approval.  You don’t even have to tell them that you no longer care what they think of you.  Just go ahead and do what makes you happy, be unapologetically yourself, and go for the things you really want in life.  Do your thing, and let them do theirs.